Traditionally fall is a season of change for me. Leaves fall, school years begin, and major life changes take place. In fall I have started new jobs, gotten divorced, met people who will change my life, and sold my house. It’s something about the season that just equals life changes for me like no other. It’s my season, even though in later years it has often been a painful one. I love the cooler temperatures and the trees changing colors. I just love the smell of it. Even though fall has hurt me so often, it is somehow fundamental to who I am.
This fall I can feel things shifting. Things inside me are moving and changing under my skin. I don’t know yet if it’s for the best, but it’s dating Yukon men is happening.
Last fall I met LC. In fact, in 6 days it will be exactly one year since we met. This fall I am supposed to be giving notice at my apartment. The place that has been all mine, my very first living space that ever was just for me… I’m supposed to promise to leave it this fall. That is the plan. LC and I have looked at apartments, talked about what goes into storage and what stays, and decided which bed we’re going to sleep in. We have a plan.
Last night I asked my Italian male friend why he wanted to move in with me. He said “Because I like spending time with you.” It was dark and he couldn’t see my face. There was silence. LC broke the silence to ask why I wanted to move in with him. I told him “Because I love you and I want to start building a life with you.” And then I wondered if he could see the difference too. Because now it’s something I can’t forget.
Some year I’ll probably start to hate the fall. I wonder if this year will be it.
These days I’m in new territory. Uncharted waters, you might say.For the first time since… well, since I was in college quite frankly… I am not trying to run from something.
LC and I have been hitting our first real bump in the road lately. I know I know, we had all those breakups and stuff. But that was before, and this is now. That was a life we don’t even remember all that much anymore. We’re in such a different place. And in our new and different place, we finally lost our harmony for a little bit.
I’m not going to hash over what’s been going on. It’s really irrelevant. Just trust me when I say that it has been (and probably will be for a bit longer) the first test of what we are and what single African men hope to become together. After almost a year (!!!) of dating, it’s probably kind of overdue, to be honest.
So here we are, and we’re both struggling a bit. And things started to churn around in my head. Things about how I’ve handled the tough stuff in the past. Hell, even in my last marriage. Things about what my new steps should be. And then it happened. I was floating off in my own head churning in some deep internal waters, and single man made me pay attention again.
He said, “I love you and I want to work this out together.” And I knew.
I knew that for once, I didn’t want to run. I knew that this time, I wanted to work it out together too. For once in my one date wonder of a life, I wasn’t threatening to leave or wondering what I should move on to. I wasn’t picturing how my life could be without Turkish pretty men. For once, I wanted to work things out too.
I realized a life without Puerto rican mate would be… well, something I don’t want to think about. And even if I could fabricate all the “right reasons” in the world for picking up and leaving (which I can’t, by the way), if I did that I would simply miss him too much. My days would drag by without his emails. My nights would stretch on without his company. I’d lose my head every time there was a wine dinner or a cool event that we could no longer go to together. He would leave a giant shaped hole in my life and it simply wouldn’t be okay.
And when I knew that, when I really knew? It was okay. Sure, it doesn’t make all the rough magically disappear. But the rough, it’s okay. It happens. And working through it together sounds downright fun compared to losing what I have found.
So yeah, maybe everything isn’t absolutely coming up roses right now. But it will be again soon. And even though everything isn’t totally perfect right now, I know I’m right where I belong. And I’m able to be happy even in our imperfection.
Genre: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Love & Romance