I was about to tell him to let go, somehow, I had to tell him to move on. But he spoke first. "Come with me…Come back with me Holly" He said. I was stunned. I had to tell him and now he was making it worse. "Come back with me and live with me…" He paused waiting for a response. He knew I would object that I had a boyfriend. "Look…Last night I thought you had broken up with your boyfriend, that was just a misunderstanding. But I went all night and all morning thinking what we could be. What we could be together. I want you to move back with me, marry me, live with me, grow old with me." He said, putting all his hopes, his dreams, his desires out in the air. I had to admire him in that moment, he had courage. You had to give him that. I wish I could have made him happy. But I couldn’t.
I slowly pulled back from his embrace. His hands fell to his sides, in disbelief, he knew I was about to reject him. "Come with me" He said, barely restraining the tears. I slowly turned my head side to side, signaling no. I thought he was going to collapse to the ground. But he surprised me. Jack suddenly lost the tears and shouted without compromise in his voice "WHY NOT!". I stared into his eyes, knowing I would never look into his eyes again. I knew I had to do something strong. He was coming on stronger and stronger. I had to end his hopes, it was the only thing I could do. "BECAUSE I DON’T LOVE YOU!" I screamed back, and stormed past him into the street. I didn’t want to look back. Halfway across the street I couldn’t hold back. I stopped and turned around. He was still facing toward the building, as he had before I left. I stood in the middle of the street, the rain still pounding down. He stood there unmoving. He dropped to his knees, and doubled over, holding himself up with his hands. He cried loudly, sobbing as loud as was possible. I was tempted to walk back and comfort him. I didn’t loathe Jack, but I didn’t love him. I could never be less than a lover to him. I couldn’t help him, he had to go through this alone. I sincerely hoped that he would find love someday…it just wouldn’t be today. I turned around and walked to the other side of the street, not looking back now. I walked, not looking up, not going anywhere. I wandered aimlessly in the cold drenching streets. I was shivering uncontrollably, the tears had stopped but were still fresh and more were still poised to be unleashed.
At some point I stopped. I didn’t know where I was, but I stopped and leaned against a dripping brick wall. The tears overcame me again, and I slid down the wall till I was sitting against it. I was sobbing, it was pouring, cold and dark. I just want this to be over. I just want to be with John. I cheated on him…I cried more. I cheated on him, I don’t deserve him. But if I cheated on him…maybe he cheated on me. Maybe I’ll go home in a week and we will just be over. The end. All I want out of life is love. I had it. Had I lost it…lost it forever?
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